It All Started With a Picture

Ever since I started my "weight loss journey" two and a half years ago, my path has been a relatively easy one. The first year, I lost 30 pounds by doing nothing besides live with a new roommate. My roomie is a pretty healthy person, in her eating and exercise habits, and overtime I started adopting her healthier eating habits. I gained a crap ton of weight by living in the most unhealthy apartment any college student can live in. I then lost a bunch of weight by changing the way I ate. The one thing that was especially crazy about losing those 30 pounds I remember, was the fact that I didn't even realize I was losing weight. My parents said something to me when I was home visiting and it all clicked.

The second year I lost another 30 pounds by adding exercise to my more healthy diet. I joined a gym randomly one day and started working out five days a week. Of course after about 2 months or so the working out that much waned a bit, but I still kind of kept up with with. Even though I wasn't going to the gym as much, I was able to maintain my weight. And then last fall I decided to run my half marathon. What little training I did for that apparently did something to my body because people kept telling me that I looked slimmer. Honest to God, I did not lose any weight during that time so my best guess is that I toned up a bit.

So what is the point in sharing all of this? The point is that while I have put in some effort over the past couple of years, losing weight has come without any major problems. I haven't had any of those Biggest Loser type breakdowns or freak outs. Until now. Or maybe I should say until about 5 months ago. After the half marathon my exercising became non existent. For awhile it was because I honestly did not want to work out after running so much and putting my body through that. That, I feel is a completely valid response. What isn't valid is the fact that I used that break to turn into my gateway for laziness. By the time I was ready to run again I convinced myself that it was too cold to run outside, getting to gym was too inconvenient and then I didn't have a gym membership anymore because I wasn't using it. My ultimate act of laziness was not using the workout dvds my roomie had. All I had to do was spend 30 minutes in living room and I couldn't even be bothered to do that. All of the usual excuses appeared as to why I wasn't using them, but in my mind it didn't matter since I wasn't gaining weight. Of course on top of my complete laziness my eating has gone to shit and while I recognized it I didn't care.

A couple of weeks ago I weighed myself at work and found out that I had gained about 15 pounds. I was completely blown away. It took me two years to lose 60 pounds and only about 4 months to gain 15. I had a mini panic attack and all of the thoughts like "How could you let this happen?" crossed my mind. I know how it happened. I saw all the signs. I just chose to ignore each and every one of them. What's truly sad, is that even knowing I had gained the weight didn't make me do anything; it actually made me sad and hopeless like it used to. I resorted to my teenage self where I would either binge eat or just eat total crap food. In my head I knew I had to take that step and make a change, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And then I saw the pictures.

For me, everything started with a picture so it's not surprising that my reality check came from more pictures. Last weekend, the city of Chicago celebrated St. Patrick's Day by dyeing the river green and having a parade. Like most young people, I used the day as a way to drink for 12 hours straight. I had a great time with my friends and would say that this year was celebration is up there with some of the best I've had. Over the next couple of days I started seeing all the pictures and while some of them are very nice all I see is a super fat me. After visiting my brother, I swore that I would never let my weight taint my memories but I did it again. I let myself down. Being a people pleaser, it's really difficult accepting the fact that I'm disappointed in myself.

I feel like I'm back where I started a year and a half age: being angry at myself, my body and the way I look to people whom I meet. I feel like I've failed myself all over again. I feel like I've failed all the people that have supported me over the past couple of years believing in me and thinking that I could change. So what do I do now? What I do is accept what has happened, pick myself up and move on. I stop being lazy and act. Yesterday I did a Bob Harper Biggest Loser dvd. Today I went for a 3 mile run to continue to get back into the swing of things. I take this one day at a time, one decision at a time. My weight is never going to be an easy thing for me; it really will be a life long struggle. All I can do is accept responsibilities for my actions and make changes when needed. I must acknowledge that at times I will succeed and at others I will struggle. Recently, I've struggled but now it is time to come out a stronger person and succeed.